


The Likes of Which You Ain't Ever Seen

by victoria_p (musesfool)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen, jailbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-16
Updated: 2006-07-16
Packaged: 2017-10-21 23:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musesfool/pseuds/victoria_p
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jayne is in jail, Mal puts his foot in his mouth, and Kaylee and River ride to the rescue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Likes of Which You Ain't Ever Seen

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to angelgazing for the original push to write this, to Laura and Bethy for listening, and to Mousapelli, who made sure it got finished and betaed and suggested the title. All remaining errors are mine.

The girl was pretty, and from what Mal could see, she was willing--hell, she'd been eyeing Jayne since they'd walked into the place, and Jayne'd been happy to do more than just eye her back, had gotten his hands in on the deal as well--but she wasn't worth getting pinched by the law, no how.

Mal took it as a kindness from the higher power he no longer believed in that the rest of them didn't get locked up, too. Still, he was one crewmember down, even if it was Jayne. Much as he was tempted to let Jayne cool his heels in the drunk tank for a night, Mal didn't know how Alliance-friendly the folks on this rock were, and if anyone went poking around on the Cortex, they might find warrants, not only for Jayne, but for the rest of them as well, and these days, the reward had enough zeroes in it to make any man consider turning snitch. So he took what coin he could spare and headed down to the lockup to do what needed to be done.

The jailhouse was a brown stone building in the shadow of the courthouse; inside there were four tiny, barred jail cells, and guarding them, three deputies looked like they wanted nothing more than to go home and leave the drunks in the cells to clean up after themselves. The clerk, a sour old guy with a fringe of scraggly gray hair over his ears, sat behind a tall desk covered with stacks of reports.

He waved Mal over and said, "State your business."

Mal plunked the bag of money on the desk, much as it pained him to do so. "Here to spring one Jayne Cobb from jail."

"Cobb, Cobb," the clerk muttered, shuffling through some papers. "Sorry." He pushed the bag back towards Mal. "No can do."

"What do you mean? There's enough in there to cover bail and any fines. A drunk and disorderly can't cost that much, can it?"

"Magistrate's holding him without bail. Fixing to hang him tomorrow, in the town square."

Mal hooked his thumbs in his belt, surprised and trying not to show it. "Since when is brawling a hanging offense?"

"Since your friend manhandled the magistrate's wife."

"Manhandled? She looked willing enough to me."

"Willing or not, Magistrate McKinley don't like it when other men fondle his wife."

" _Tāmāde._ "

"Next!" the clerk called.

Mal put his money back in his pocket and walked away, still cursing. Kaylee, River, and Simon stood waiting outside, and he shook his head when he saw them.

"She's the gorram magistrate's wife," he said in disgust. "And he don't take kindly to strangers fondling her, even if she encourages such unseemly behavior."

"So how do we get Jayne back?" Kaylee asked.

Mal pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking. Breaking someone out of jail was best done under cover of darkness, so they might as well get started.

"It's late," he said, "so there ain't but three guards on duty, plus the clerk, and they look to be lazy sumbitches itching to go home."

"If Inara was here, she could go right in there and charm the keys off 'em," Kaylee said.

Mal frowned at her. "Well, she ain't."

Kaylee rolled her eyes. "I know that. I was just saying--"

"Kaylee can do it," River interrupted. "Pretty Kaylee will distract the guards. I'll creep in behind her, silent as a mouse, bring Jayne out."

"I don't think so," Mal said, just as Simon said, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh?" Kaylee crossed her arms over her chest. "What makes you say that, Cap'n?"

Somewhere in the back of Mal's mind, alarms were ringing. He ignored them. "What are you gonna do in there? Got no wiles to speak of and--"

She stepped toward him, chin raised defiantly. "Oh, I got wiles, Cap'n. I got wiles the likes of which you ain't ever seen."

"I--"

"It's true," Simon said.

Mal whirled on him. "When I want your opinion, Doctor, I'll ask for it."

"It's just--I'm in the best position to know about Kaylee's...wiles...."

"Seems to me it took an up-close brush with death to get you to even notice her existence," Mal heard Kaylee squeak but he kept talking, "so I take leave to doubt whether you know anything about the quality of her wiles or lack of same." Simon opened his mouth, but Mal wasn't done yet. "And I don't want to hear the word 'position' in regard to Kaylee come out your mouth ever again, _dǒng le ma_? Bad enough you don't keep to your bunk like decent people would. Don't need to hear you talking 'bout it, too."

Kaylee squeaked again, but River spoke before she could say anything. "Wasting time," River said. "Need to get Jayne and be back in the sky before the sun comes up." Mal glared at her but she didn't seem cowed.

"And anyway," Kaylee said, "just 'cause you never noticed don't mean I ain't been plenty lucky with them as have. And you know it, too."

He opened his mouth and shut it again, recalling the first time he'd seen her, naked and pressed between Bester and the engine room wall. He tried hard to forget about that, and was irritated whenever he slipped up and remembered.

"You're a pretty girl, but this isn't like flirting with some randy farmhand ain't seen a decent woman in months." Her face crumpled for a second, and he knew he'd gone too far. "Kaylee, _duìbùqî_. I--"

She set her shoulders and her jaw, strength in her he always forgot until she showed it. " _Bì zuî,_ Cap'n. Think you've said enough." She put her hand on River's arm. "Come on, River. We can switch outfits, so's I can show those guards some cleavage. Simon, go back to Serenity, tell Zoe we're going to need to get out of here _mâshàng_ if everything goes according to plan. And even if it don't." She shrugged. "Maybe 'specially if it don't." She gave Mal a scornful once-over and sniffed. "You can stand out here and wait, Cap'n. We'll yell if we need backup."

Kaylee and River disappeared around the side of the building, and Simon said, "I don't think this is the best idea, Captain."

"Well, it's the only idea we got, so you best double-time it back to the dock and make sure Zoe knows what's going on."

He looked like he wanted to argue, and Mal couldn't blame him, really. It was a gorram awful plan, and it put both River and Kaylee in the line of fire, a place they really didn't belong, but he didn't have another one at the moment. He told himself there was no arguing with Kaylee once she'd set her mind to something, and since it was his own gorram fault she was tetchy, he'd have to be the one to make sure this crappy plan didn't end up with her getting hurt. He didn't find any of it comforting.

"Just go, Doc." Simon hesitated, and Mal tried to reassure him. "I'll look after 'em. But make sure Serenity's ready to leave soon as we get back. And tell Zoe to use an encrypted channel on the comm. I don't want anyone listening in on our chatter, if there's a need for any."

Simon headed off, still looking skeptical. River stepped from the shadows, zipping up the front of Kaylee's coveralls. She pulled her gun from one of the voluminous pockets and nodded at him, pale face serious in the moonlight.

"Simple plan," she said. "Fewer possibilities for things to go wrong. Statistically speaking--"

Mal rubbed his forehead. "Don't need to hear the probabilities of things going pear-shaped, little one. I can figure them pretty well my own self."

"Your trouble is you're always thinking on things going wrong," Kaylee said, appearing from around the shadows, River's dress pinned and tucked to cling in ways it didn't on River. "That's no way to be."

"Way things should be ain't the way they always are," he answered. "Got to plan ahead, 'cause if I'm sending you two in there, I for damn sure need to know I got a way of getting you out."

"Not gonna need it, Cap'n," she said confidently. She reached into one of the pockets of her coveralls, making River jump and giggle, and pulled out a tube of lipstick. "You need to believe me when I tell you I can do this." She painted her lips pink and rearranged her neckline to expose more of her chest.

He looked away, trying not to think of how those deputies would be leering at her in a few minutes. "I'm beginning to think you can, at that."

Her smile was brighter than the searchlights mounted on top of the jailhouse. "Thank you, Captain."

"Don't get cocky."

"Mal--"

He wrapped one hand around her wrist, the other around River's, soft skin and delicate bones under his fingers reminding him of everything at stake. "Listen, you two be careful in there. This ain't a game, _dǒng ma_?" He paused, waiting for River to make some crazy interjection, but she just nodded, turning her hand so she could hold his wrist in return, and smiled. He explained the layout to them, knowing River was storing it away. He didn't want to think about what could happen in there, not just to her and Kaylee, but to those _yúbèn de_ guards if her control slipped. Her hand tightened on his wrist; he could feel her tremble just a little, and knew she knew what he was thinking, "You ain't out of there in ten minutes, I'm coming in after you."

"Don't worry, Cap'n," Kaylee said, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, and he was grateful she wasn't holding a grudge, but he wanted her to take this more seriously than she was. "It's all taken care of."

And with that, she set her shoulders, smoothed down her skirt, and sashayed into the jailhouse.

After giving him a knowing glance and an indulgent half-smile that almost made him laugh out loud, River rubbed at her cheek and then followed Kaylee in a less distracting manner.

He'd been waiting seven minutes--seemed more like seven years--when River and Jayne came shuffling around the corner. Jayne looked sour, but River was grinning.

"Good job, little albatross," he said, ruffling her hair the way he would Kaylee's, and she beamed at him. "Where's Kaylee?"

"Gorrammit, Mal, you got little girls doing your work now?"

"You should be nicer to these little girls," Mal replied, ignoring River's pointed look, "seeing as how they saved you from a hanging in the morning."

"Won't do me no good if I have to shoot up the jailhouse to get Kaylee back."

"You've spent enough time in there for one night. I'll go." He was itching for action by now; he'd never been good at waiting around, though he'd spent a lot of time doing just that. He unholstered his gun and clicked the safety off, then headed into the jailhouse.

Kaylee was perched up on one of the desks, legs crossed to show off, the three guards and the clerk in a semicircle around her, laughing like she'd known them forever. As he watched, she moved to stand and one of the guards put his hands around her waist and lifted her down, like she couldn't've done it herself. Mal felt his hand tighten on his gun, but he forced himself to wait.

Kaylee tucked a piece of paper down the front of her dress and gave them all a brilliant smile.

"Now be sure and wave us next time you're in town," one guard said.

Kaylee laughed and twirled a lock of hair around her finger. "Course I will, Derek. Looking forward to it already." She walked on out the way she'd gone in, and they stared after her, mesmerized by the sway of her hips.

When she caught sight of Mal, the look she gave him froze his blood. He followed her out, still clutching his gun, for comfort now.

"Let's go," he said, pushing ahead, trying to ignore the feel of Kaylee's gaze burning into his back.

When they got back to Serenity, Simon rushed past Kaylee to pull his sister into a tight hug. " _Mèimei_ , are you all right?"

Mal thought he could _hear_ Kaylee's teeth grind at that.

"Kaylee did all the work," River said, grinning. She pushed out of Simon's arms and turned him towards Kaylee, who finally smiled, and let him kiss her.

"Weren't nothing," she said. "Show a little leg, most men'll roll over like fluffy puppies begging to be petted."

"You can pet me anytime, little Kaylee," Jayne said, rubbing his belly and leering down at her.

Mal cleared his throat. This was an unexpected--and unpleasant--development. "That's enough, Jayne."

"He's just trying to thank his rescuer," Zoe said, laughing, as she came down the stairs, "like a damsel in distress from a fairy story." She gave Jayne the once-over and said, "They had to send in the womenfolk to fetch you. Wash would've loved that."

Kaylee folded her arms across her chest. "Maybe he ain't the only one ought to be saying thank you, huh, Cap'n?"

Zoe raised an eyebrow and Mal decided it was probably best to be elsewhere. "Gonna go lay in a course," he said, putting a hand on the railing and swinging himself up onto the bottom step, "maybe wave Inara, tell her about our change in plans."

"Captain's got a taste for shoe leather," River said to Zoe. "Spent most of the night switching feet."

"I did no such thing!"

Zoe ignored him. "Sounds about right," she said, tapping River's arm and brushing past him to go back up the stairs. "We can take care of the flying, sir." She tipped her head in Kaylee's direction. "Think you got other things to be navigating."

He glared at her, but she just smiled and led River away, so he turned his glare on Jayne and Simon.

"I'll see you--" Simon touched Kaylee's cheek and then gestured vaguely before heading up the stairs.

Jayne waited 'til Simon was halfway up before he said, "I mean it, Kaylee. You ever get tired of the doc, I could show you a good time."

"Hey!" Simon said, but Kaylee just laughed.

"A real good time," Jayne repeated.

Mal'd had enough. "Jayne."

"I'm going, I'm going. But I just wanted her to know--"

"We all know now, Jayne, and I for one am going to spend some quality time tonight trying to get back to the place where I didn't."

Jayne scowled at him and then disappeared up the stairs with the rest of them.

Kaylee still had her arms folded under her chest, which made it look like she was ready to pop out of River's dress. Mal was tempted to offer his coat, 'cause he could tell she was cold, but he reckoned she wouldn't take it in the spirit it was intended. He waited, but she didn't say anything.

Finally, he said, "You did a fine night's work, Kaylee."

"Told you we'd take care of it. You need to trust me. I can do a lot more than you know, if you let me."

"Well, if I ever have the misfortune to end up in jail, you feel free to flash a little leg to get me out." He smiled.

She sniffed. "I'll think about it, Cap'n. Wouldn't want to offend your virtuous eyes or nothing."

"Kaylee," he said, hoping to cajole a smile out of her.

"Captain." She shook her head, but when he reached out and pulled her into a hug, she didn't resist. He kissed the top of her head, took a deep breath--she smelled of engine grease and flowery soap--and let it out again, relaxing for the first time in hours.

"Ain't that I don't trust you," he said. "Just don't feature you getting hurt on my watch."

She looked up at him, all big-eyed and earnest. "And I appreciate that more'n I can say. So you need to believe me when I say that pink ain't really your color." And she slipped away, giggling.

He shook his head, bemused, and finally made his way to the bridge. River was telling Zoe how she'd sneaked past the guards while Kaylee'd kept them riveted with her womanly wiles, and Zoe was laughing, which was always good to hear.

They turned toward him, and River rubbed her cheek. He wondered if she was developing some crazy new tic or something, then caught a glimpse of his own face in one of the monitors.

" _Āiyā_!" There was a pink smudge shaped vaguely like lips on his cheek. He rubbed at it, mimicking River's gesture.

"You put that on in the dark, sir? Your aim was a little off," Zoe said, still laughing. "They call it _lip_ stick for a reason."

"Tried to tell you," River said, giggling. "Not your color."

He gave a snort of reluctant laughter and leaned against the lockers. "So I've been told."

end

***


End file.
